Wednesday, June 21, 2017

Michelle Pages 1-3

Michelle sent these in.






Great work.
The only changes I would make on this page would be to add more clean dishes to his stack.
I love panel 2-- great to now always show faces.
I'd move the clock from panel 5 to panel 4 so we see what he's looking at and in P5 I'd slide the whole image to the left more so that we can see the other aprons hanging, and I'd add his arm holding the apron he's putting up.  As it's drawn it took me a minute to figure out what he was doing.

The remainder of the page is solid, I love the last panel too.





Here is her page 2
Great choices here.  The storytelling is thought out very well.
The only change I'd make is in the first panel on the bottom row.

We need to establish where and how this Santa figure is connected to Sam.  I like that in the previous panel we just get the DING DING-- why?  Because Sam didn't even notice him.  He saw only the display in the liquor store window (as an aside I'm realizing I can't spell Liquor).

So in my change we now see Sam from behind, he's off panel and his head is turning towards the sound.
There's Santa, not facing him, he's facing the parking lot, there's his collection bucket and his bell.
Behind him in perspective would be more of the strip mall stores.

But again, nice job here.


Page 3
Still nice choices but I had a bit more recommended changes here.

Same problem as Aria's-- we need to show some time inside the store, otherwise it reads like a comedy routine where characters walk in one door and out the other.  I added an extra panel at the top which simply adds a quiet shot of the door while he's inside.

New panel 4 I altered the shot, instead of Sam walking away, he's getting into his car, now that leads some challenges with the remainder of the page but I'll get into that.

The reason for the car is we need to show the reader the relationship between Sam the car and Santa.
Where it presents problem is the seemingly random shots she has for panels 5-7 (in the original panels 4-6).

Now as I read it in her original Sam walks away from Santa through this rough neighborhood and to his car.

The trouble I have with that is in the previous page it didn't look like the car was that far away, and if there's a reason for the character to walk away in new panel we could still do that




Go with something like this.
The angle on Sam in the original is awkward and this is stronger.

Back to the remaining narrative-- I really like the showing of what seems like random elements because it helps to establish mood and place.

Last panel-- nicely done, having the car not the center, the leaning stop sign, the decrepit buildings, really great.

Nice work!