Wednesday, June 21, 2017
Here's is first page-- there is a lot to like here.
I like the small inset panel at the top-- breaks up the narrative and gives it a nice look and balance.
My suggestion is add more dishes.
Panel 2 he was concerned it's too cluttered, I don't think it is.
My suggestion is to put Sam in silhouette or make him dark here to stand out. Dish stack is added here too and make sure we see the time clock over by the exit door because that is going to be our connector to the next panel.
I like these, nice break- I'd put the exit door behind him which is our connector to the next panel.
His perspective is solid here you can see my lines confirm this. The stacks of crates are out of perspective, and while they could be stacked away from the walls it'll work better visually if they stay in perspective.
I added the exit door-- if you wanted that tied to the stairs you have there, you should still see a bit of the door.
Last panel-- very nice, but the figure is slightly too small and make sure he doesn't "fit" too cleanly in the background. By having his head break the line of the road it makes it look more natural.
Nice work bro.
Page two roughs.
He starts with the key in the ignition-- while it's fine and I wouldn't be against it-- I think it makes better sense (and storytelling) to show him getting into the car since the previous panel only shows him walking in the street.
I combined panels 2 and 3-- so that those eyes we see are now his in the rear view mirror, and we see his back as he puts the key in the ignition.
That's a tough shot to do-- but how do you do it? Easy-- get a friend or if you have no friends find a trustworthy stranger and have them sit behind you in a car and take this picture with you acting it out on your cell phone.
If you don't have a car-- invest in the $5 tip you'll need to hand the uber driver when you call for a ride, tell them you're a comic artist when they arrive and that you don't actually want to go anywhere but you want to get a picture of this shot here (show them the rough on your phone). Now you'll have great photo reference and this shot will rock everyone's socks.
Next panel is the car pulling away, I just changed the angle on the tire. Next panel is all good.
Bottom row-- I would pull in closer to Sam as he admires the package store (see how I'm not going to try and spell Liquor anymore?) and I'd change the angle slightly. If we get closer we can see the longing in his face.
Middle panel bottom-- essentially the same, but a good rule of thumb when you're drawing characters at a distance from each other is to line up their necks-- that makes them look the same height and is more natural. Make sure we see Santa's donation bucket. in this middle panel because it ties into the next one.
Last panel, better definition on the bucket with a GIVE sign so the reader gets it.
Page 3 some good stuff here.
P1-- shot through window at Sam and cashier. That works.
My take; make sure we see some signage- I don't know if you need the bars on the window and if you do want them, make sure they are evident in the previous page.
P2 Sam comes out of the store-- make sure Santa is facing the street.
P3 Sam should be looking back at Santa as he waves, if he's looking away it's a message of disgust or dislike. Make sure Santa is facing away from Sam but his head turns as he waves.
P4 Sam driving over the bridge-- change the angle from the side and below the bridge, it's a better shot and more interesting compositionally.
Rest I'd keep the same.